SD3 Fan-Fiction, A Blossom Burning Brightly

[Tekka]

Hallo all, again.

Anybody that looks at the SOM section on fanfiction.net now and then might have seen this already, but I wanted to try sharing it here as well. This is a little piece I've been writing depicting the relationship between Guren/Koren and Angela that exists only in my head. It is very sappy and melodramatic but it's been lots of fun to write.

The world is slightly different from that depicted in the game, I've tried to put a little bit of grit on it, and describe Altena as an actual kingdom, rather than a castle and a few buildings that have about twenty people total living in them.

It isn't finished yet, I'm about four chapters away from the end, so at the moment it's still a WIP.

If anybody would be kind enough to share their thoughts with me that would be wonderful. Even if they're not particularly positive, I can handle it.

So without further rambling, here it is.

[Magus_Melchior]

Wow... FF.net. That takes me back... roughly 5 hours. Okay, before that, I hadn't ventured there in aaages.

Nicely done on Angela's character! I had a hard time getting the "neglected daughter" thing right in a little experimental project I'm doing, but I think you've nailed it.

And a great job on foreshadowing Guren's fall from grace, as it were-- you can see it coming a chapter or two away, but the journey is fulfilling. I daresay some screenwriters on a certain East Asian archipelago can learn a thing or two about storytelling from this piece.

A bit of a deviation from the game's story at the very end, which was perhaps unavoidable for the effect you were looking for; also a few minor spelling and/or grammatical errors. Nothing that detracts from the overall work, IMO.

[Tekka]

I've only discovered the site recently, despite knowing of its existence for years. So I'm basically new to it and it's really encouraged me to pick up my writing, and even if it's bad it's better than solely thinking about writing and not actually doing it, which had become a terrible habit of mine.

Thank you for that. The lack of feedback has made me paranoid that I wasn't getting her right, so I'm really glad that you think so.

Sorry about any spelling mistakes, I thought I'd caught them all but I haven't been reading over every chapter before posting out of sheer laziness. So, I humbly apologize for being such a lazy bum.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, it means a lot to me.

[Tekka]

After a lot of procrastination, Chapter Eight is now finished, and thus concludes all of the game time I'm going to cover. Everything from this point on will be more original story.

Chapter eight available here for your reading pleasure.

[Magus_Melchior]

Sorry about any spelling mistakes, I thought I'd caught them all but I haven't been reading over every chapter before posting out of sheer laziness. So, I humbly apologize for being such a lazy bum.

Hapenz tew tha besst ov uss. No apologies necessary, unless this is a manuscript for a book.

(Disclaimer: Opinion piece. You are free to disagree. Really.)
I haven't played the Angela/Duran arc in such a long time, so my memory of the Guren fight is shaky at best. I'm guessing that you've based the dialogue on the fanslation; I might make it more... expansive, since the ROM hackers have limited space and you don't.
For example: “Manipulating my mother from the shadows, bringing shame to Altena... now it's time to pay!” might be the best translation that could fit in the dialogue box, but you can re-word that, IMO-- I don't think Angela would say that in, say, an English language radio drama.

The point about the Emperor abandoning his lieutenant is a good one, but perhaps a tad overstated-- I don't know if it can be worked out so that Guren realizes the Emperor won't help him nearer to the end of the battle, but IMO the 'hints' are a bit obvious. A shattering ego is a great dramatic device, after all.

A big strength of this chapter was the visualization and imagery-- I think you did a great job of painting the spells and the dance of combat in the reader's mind, and the juxtaposition of Guren with the SD3 party reminded me of Count Dooku's end at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith (yeah, yeah, that movie sucked, but it's a good parallel). In fact, I think you can go further-- Guren's expression to Angela as she makes one last attempt to redeem him, for example. Since this chapter is a high point of tension and action, I think it would be well worth further developing the fight scene and the aftermath.

I am looking forward to more chapters! You're very imaginative, and the "prequel" chapters demonstrate this. I'm also hoping you'll revisit chapter 8, but remember-- take your time. Literature doesn't have to be made at the pace of industry.

[Tekka]

You are absolutely right. I made some changes, but the dialogue is lifted largely out of the translation. I didn't particularly want to write this one (hence, why I left it so long), but the scene is important so I couldn't just ignore it. It's without a doubt my least favourite chapter so far.

I would have preferred to do something a little more loyal to the actual dialogue but I couldn't read it, the most I got was him saying was "Arigatoyo... Angela" because that's all I'm capable of recognizing. Nevermind though...

I will take your suggestions in, and I'll play around with some ideas for new dialogue while I'm at work. I might go back and fix it sooner rather than later simply because I don't like the way some of the translated game lines sound so horribly forced.

Thanks for catching up with the latest bit though. And really you have no idea how much I appreciate the critique you've just given me, because without that I'd just get lazier and lazier.

[Tekka]

Chapter nine is now up. And I've made some preliminary changes to chapter eight in preparation for expanding the fight and the ending.

Chapter Nine is mostly a set up for the final chapter which I will write next week. And then... it will all be over. I will miss writing this dearly. I already have an idea for a follow up, but I have no idea if I'll write it out or not. We shall see though.

I am unsure whether or not I made the right choice in axing the character I chose to in this chapter, particularly in the rushed way in which I did it. I may expand on this later as well.

[Tekka]

Chapter ten of A Blossom Burning Brightly.

(A Blossom Burning Brightly - Chapter 10)

This is it! This is what that awful last chapter was leading up to. 6,000 words of pure joy. For me anyway. I was extremely proud of this one, and I hope everyone enjoys it. It's always sad to come to the end of a story but I hope I have the will to write a continuation or other SoM/SD3 related story some day.

Please enjoy, and if anyone has not been reading up until now... Chapter one is only a few clicks away.

My next project will be a Ga-Rei Zero, Tokusen 4 fic that follows on directly from my original Tokusen 4 fic which you can read here. So go and read it! ...Please. ;_;

And I will be sure to post it in the other creative section just so I still have something to post on the boards!

[Magus_Melchior]

Chapter 9 was good, but since it was essentially a cliffhanger into 10, I held off on the review. Will post more when I read #10.

[Tekka]

Domo. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the end. You're the only person that's given me any kind of constructive feedback, and I really appreciate that.

[Magus_Melchior]

Well, finally got around to the review, as more pressing matters and distractions kept me from posting this.

As you probably know, the Guren/Angela pairing is not exactly canon, so you have to take certain liberties with the plot in order to get to a strong relationship between those two characters. The strongest option would be to leave the game's plot as untouched as possible, which is the one you've taken. I think you've done a very good job there, and I daresay you've brought it to life in a new way.

A quibble that looks major but is really no big deal: The tenth chapter, set after the epic battle scene of the game, is a bit like "The Scouring of the Shire" from The Lord of the Rings-- yet another ending after an ending. I'm not exactly sure if this should be fixed (let alone how), as it's an essential step to the epilogue. A possibility is to tone down the drama, but that would involve several paragraphs-- which is why I'm reluctant to suggest any changes there, as it's generally well-written and would be a shame to cut or significantly edit. So this is a bit of empty criticism, as it were.

Again, great job on the fanfic, and looking forward to updates to chapter 8!

[Tekka]

Of course, I'm aware it's not even remotely close to being canon, much to my displeasure. Despite what others might say about my preferences, I do have a respect for the established world which is why I've tried to leave canon largely intact. So thank you for that.

With fan fiction it's always my aim to have people thinking "this could actually happen within the game's story". But then I suppose that should be the aim of fan fiction as a whole... Sadly even though I tried my best in that regard I can't get through to everyone.

Ah chapter eight... I really don't like it. You are spot on with the ending after an ending sentiment, this is part of the reason why I didn't want to do chapter eight because it feels like an ending and not a mid-point. But it's impossible to ignore since it is probably the most important scene in the game for him, and to pass over it with no explanation as to why he's suddenly dead just isn't feasible.

I was originally going to leave it at an extended version of chapter eight because I couldn't stomach bringing him back to life. Characters randomly returning to life (I'm looking at you, Code Geass.) drives me insane. I couldn't do that though because I crave happy endings. Then I tried it again with the dragon, but couldn't stomach that either and had to write an additional epilogue. I am hopeless against that part of myself, sorry.

Thanks for getting to the review though, and the positive comments. You will have me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

[Magus_Melchior]

I was originally going to leave it at an extended version of chapter eight because I couldn't stomach bringing him back to life. Characters randomly returning to life (I'm looking at you, Code Geass.) drives me insane.

You think that's bad, they brought back Mu La Flaga in the second season of Gundam SeeD after he died a heroic "death" in season 1. Completely unnecessary except as an antagonistic device (which they trashed halfway through the season), and completely representative of some of the atrocious planning/direction/writing that happened there. /rant